the illusive male perspective

Jeez…where do I even start? The last three plus years have been the craziest roller coaster ride I have ever been on. I have witnessed my wife get rocked to her foundation and dig herself up to fight again the next day over and over again. I wish I could help other guys out there to better support their wives but there is one universal truth that we as males cannot overcome in regards to infertility……we will never be able to truly understand what it is like for a woman to be going through such a process.

We can listen, support, comfort, sympathize and I think that’s where our energy and efforts are best spent. If anyone were to ask me knowing what I now know about the process I would tell them to be sure they have themselves in order. They are about to embark on a journey that will supercharge emotions (hell hath no fury like a woman scorned….well, scorned is a NICE way of describing it) … and just when you think you got a handle on the emotions they add mass quantities of pharmaceutical grade hormone cocktails. You better be ready to hang on for the ride. You will witness mood swings you thought possible only on daytime tv and if she happens to break anything around the house….just be a good husband and clean it up quietly and out of her sight. :)

Luckily for us we have been able to maintain ourselves by latching onto humor and hope, the later is a hard thing to come by during treatment, however, and any hope you can find that provides the love of your life some comfort…REJOICE!!! But don’t expect that precious moment of hope to be around because you must quietly prepare yourself (so you can support her) when that sliver of hope fades away. This in itself is probably the most brutal part of the process…you build up for months, have an IUI or round of IVF, wait a couple of weeks (nervous doesn’t describe it) and POOF…..all hope lost….square one, again….it’s pretty damn demoralizing and exponentially more so for her.

Hope does come back, though, and through humor we find ways to make the best of what we have been dealt. The last few nights we have been doing the PIO shots and I always tell her not to “HULK OUT” on me after I stab her in the ass with a large needle and inject peanut butter into her cheek……. I have to laugh at myself too, the first injection I gave her (hcg for the first IVF) she could feel me shaking like a leaf when I was giving the shot. I am slowly getting over the nervousness (it doesn’t make me queasy or ill…I just am nervous I will hurt her somehow) and the next 30 or so nightly “peanut butter” shots should prime me for nursing school….not that I want to go :)

We make fun of the patches all over her belly, the travelling pharmacy, the hormone-induced fits, spurts, and breakdowns….she actually had one the other day at work. Somebody pissed her off by doing something stupid….next thing I know she is standing in front of my cubicle with PIO bubbling up in her eyeballs wanting to go for a walk…..I can swear with the best of them but even I was a little shocked! The sorry bastard that pissed her off doesn’t know that mama’s about to go Vesuvius on his ass….he doesn’t have a chance ;)

Another tough part of the process that I have learned is that there is really no advice out there that truly comforts those going through it because it is such an individual process with so many unknowns. Each couple will experience it differently and that really has to be respected or it is very easy to belittle. I have found the best thing to do is to listen, listen, listen and support when you can, you will be let in when you are needed and welcome. For us, focusing on the fact that we are following a plan has provided some comfort, keeping the trust in the plan becomes the long term challenge to overcome.

Thanks for letting me babble and ramble, with that I think an infertility “top ten” list is in order:

10) Someone gives you the old “just relax, it will happen” line. I am sure you have heard it and it quickly becomes the most vile thing you have ever laid ears on….compound that with the fact you just paid out a shit-ton of money and you want me to RELAX? Bite me :)

9) Styrofoam coolers once equaled beaches and beer, now they equal expensive drugs none of which you can have (I don’t want moobs).

8) The ultrasound wand gets more than you do.

7) You get told that your “boys” are numerous but basically a little “dumb” or “lazy” (motility). ALWAYS a good day when ya hear that one! Yay! I’m full of dummies!!!

6) The price for babysitting is astronomical and the kids are complaining that the sitter keeps it too cold.

5) 40 injections with a monster needle close to a major nerve, SWEET! Where do I sign up?!?!?

4) Your wife's belly is lovingly referred to as the patch farm, needle nursery or pincushion.

3) Sleeping next to hormone patches makes you break out across your forehead and acting strangely emotional….true story….I was a hot mess for a week.

2) You know the features, price, name and box color of every pregnancy test on the market.

1) Believe it or not, this process actually helps you and your wife grow stronger together if you do it right. That’s probably the most “hope” you can count on. :)

Best of luck on your journey.
-Mike