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New Blog

I got a preview of my new blog design this morning!!!!!!  It is so me!!  It's just what I had envisioned!  I am so excited and can't wait to share the new address.  Yes, whole new blog complete with a new locale - last time, I promise!

I'm also really ready to start writing again...and especially excited to share the next phase of our journey as it unfolds.  Hopeful that the blog will be live by next week and I know it has been quiet over here, but stay tuned, please!  It's just the quiet before the chatter storm!!

exploring other options

also known as the post where I contradict myself...and ramble.

Life is funny some times.

I like to think I only say things I mean...

Like really really really really mean.

Most of the time, that holds true.

But Mike can probably attest to the fact I can also be ultra secretive.  I don't like to share the really big things right away because I feel that once I say it, it's like some sort of declaration.  And folks are going to hold me to that.  Maybe that's because that's how I handle other people.  If they say something and then not do it, I sort of...hm...how do you say...judge them?  Yes, I judge them.

And it probably doesn't help that one of my biggest peeves is when people talk a big talk...and that's all. 

So, naturally, I expect people to do the same for me.  I probably give too many shits about what other people think of me.  Yes, yes I do.

And perhaps that's why it's been so quiet around here.  I have been on a journey, y'all.  Seriously.  If I didn't know myself better, I would think I need some ADHD meds.  Maybe I do.  But what I am getting at is, me...we...well, we have been turning over ideas...day in...day out.  What we focus on one day is a complete 180 from what we are considering the next.  Yes!  And we are not talking about what we want to have for dinner or what movie to see...we are talking big things. 

On Monday, it's all about foster care, figuring out the process and getting a grip on the requirements.  Then on Tuesday, I'm mentally setting a "Quit Date" for work and am researching different academic pursuits and using my GI Bill.  Wednesday, we are back talking about international adoption and looking at different countries.  Thursday, we're on the phone discussing domestic infant adoption with our social worker.  Friday, I'm dreaming up a business plan and looking at real estate.  On Saturday, all I can focus on is planning a vacation.  When Sunday rolls around, I sit down and begin to write and think...I should write a fucking book about all this!  Which begins an internet search on self-publishing.

It's funny because it's true. 

Normally, I would be ashamed to admit all this.  Because I don't want to appear to have a lack focus or discipline.  I don't want to come off flighty or aloof.  Because I can be incredibly dedicated.

((Insert serious face))

I'm mean it.

I have been incredibly dedicated these last six...going on seven...years.  Years.  We have had just as much happiness as we have had heartache along the way.  But every day that I opened my eyes and let my feet hit the floor, I truly felt deep inside everything I did...or didn't do, for that matter...was because we were on the path to parenthood and that was paramount.  To quote my mother quoting an Indiana Jones movie, I was "choosing wisely".  Mom will always be right, but I have a little truth of my own to spill.  Choosing wisely, over and over again, without realizing the reward of such dedication...well that just gets intensely tiring.

I'd like to think that I'm not bitter and that the journey has made me a bigger and better person.  It has.  But there's a smidgen of me that needs to just get on with it already.

As I have mentioned, this is the year of transformation for me.  I am focusing on being happy and not just merely planning for happiness.  And although we are still very much planning things, when you open your mind to the possibilities...I can't say this without sounding all hippie dippy...but when you really open your mind maaaannnnn, it's so freaking enlightening.  I'm giving myself some latitude, can ya dig?

; )

Seriously though, I mean it.  That's what I have been doing.  I'm allowing myself to explore every avenue, every opportunity...out loud.  I am excited at the prospects of it all and I don't want to temper my excitement with the ridiculousness of worrying about what other people will think of me for entertaining so may options all at once. 

And you know what?  I feel like I'm 8 years old again.  Those days when you are excited to go to school because it's all brand new, everyday is brand new.  Simple things, like finding delight in a fresh, unused crayon because they lead to bigger things, like using that crayon to master writing your name, all by yourself, on your own, just right. 

You know the feeling I'm talking about.

Oprah might call it an "ah ha" moment.

And here I am.  I'm 32 for Pete's sake.  I used to think at this age that I should be rooted in a career, vested in a retirement plan and all that other sophisticated shiznit.  Welp, I am...and guess what?  It kinda blows donkey balls.  Okay, let me preface that with saying, damn I sure enjoy getting a regular pay check every two weeks, and boy I have great heath insurance.  But guess what.  I want...more. 

So to make a very long-winded story short, I am waking up in 2013 with a sense of excitement because every day is a new day to re-write my story.  

Happy New Year

I went private right quick because I was randomly quoted on Buzz Feed during the mass fall-out of the Russian ban on US adoptions.  I just didn't want any more snarky comments from people who have no fucking clue when it comes to adoption and the multitude of decisions and choices surrounding it.

I think we have past the momentum on that particular Buzz Feed article, so I am back.  And unfortunately, I also think the momentum on the ban may have past as well and that is deeply troubling.  I am so sad that the Obama Aministration has not extended an olive branch to Russia.  This is all over human "rights" after all.  But I digress I don't want to get on my politico soap box because I could be on that fucker all damn day.

Sigh.

What I really came here to say is that Russia is over...for us...pretty much for good.  That hurts my heart something fierce, but as I have mentioned numerous times here, I just cannot continue to fight it.  I am moving my life in a new (and equally challenging) direction.

If I can muster even a quarter of the tenacity I have had for family building, I rather imagine I will be fine.  My plans can't unravel overnight.  Which is probably just as much a good thing as it is frustrating.  I am an impulsive Gemini, with a mortgage, so I just can't up and run away to the Netherlands like I did in the good old days.  There are a few...um...pre requisites, I suppose you could say.  And that's what I am focusing on.

I am also marking time...waiting for my professional custom blog to hit the design shop.  I've got so many ideas, I simply cannot sit still.  I swear, this will be the last blog site for me.  It'll wrap up remnants of Tackybuzzer and the Storm here and be a fresh space for my new journey.

Only six days deep into the new year and I'm feeling positive.  Let's get this shit show on the road! ;-)

The American Dream

Is just that...a fleeting dream.

My heart hurts for those who have met their children, those that have been given a favorable decree from a Russian judge and are just waiting out the 30 days.

My heart hurts for those children who have been caught in the crossfire.  Those children who thought their forever families were coming back for them.

My heart hurts for those that were matched but for this horrific twist of fate, will spend the rest of their young days alone in a full orphanage, rocking themselves to sleep, and being startled by the sensation of touch each time it rarely happens.  And for the many thousands of infants and children that will come after them.

the end of the world

I never did believe that the Mayan's calendar ending on Friday meant it is the end of the world--in a physical sense.  And even more so when I woke up and realized I was still living and breathing.  But I am a bit superstitious and so I believe that the day had greater meaning--in a metaphorical sense. 

December 21st - though it was the 38th anniversary of my husband's birth - it also played a pivotal role in our future.

I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but if you have even been loosely following the news, I think you would know what I am talking about.  If not then here's a brief recap....

At the beginning of the week, the Russian Duma, in response to the infinite wisdom of the Obama Administration's enactment of Magnitsky Act, has voted for its third and final time to approve a bill that calls for a ban on adoptions to the US.  The bill now goes to the upper house of parliament and then to President Putin for final approval and signature.

The Universe has hinted at it subtly over the first few years - at every hiccup in the family building process.  But I thought the hints were just lessons - that the struggles would make me a better person, make me a more prepared mother.  Even as the struggles continued, I did not take it as a "hint" to my real future, but rather another lesson I needed to learn, because after all, who wants a mother that is a quitter?  I dug deep into my soul and I labored on.  Three surgeries.  Two miscarriages.  Eight more dead embryos.  I believe there have been several lessons, all be them unrecognizable at the time, but nonetheless, the messages are not lost on me.

I felt like I was fighting for a future that wasn't carved out just as I had imagined.  A lesson in humanity would teach me the things biology could not - and the dream would push on...

It was exactly one year ago today - as I sat in a depressed stupor on the really big couch - on the heals of the last miscarriage - searching not for the lesson but rather a new direction.  One year ago today, Mike and I decided on adoption.  We decided on international adoption mainly because I could not fathom having to be "selected" by a birth mother who may or may not select us based on a personality match or something else that I might find insignificant or trivial.  Additionally, I did not like the potential "interview" process and still knowing at after birth she could rightfully change her mind.  And since Murphy's Law had already played a prominent role in our family building efforts - those were lessons I wanted to avoid - on top of the fact I wasn't sure I was capable of parenting with the birth family in the picture.  Closed domestic adoptions are a thing of the past.  I'm just being honest.

So when we looked at the international programs available - we selected Russia because historically their program was steady and reliable.  The Universe probably laughed a big laugh at that - and clearly we missed it - because we jumped in with both feet.

As expected, there were hiccups, derailments and heartache.  But we kept marching forward believing that it would all work out...because it just had to.

This past Tuesday, we found out that our original home study agency got the required paperwork and that we would probably receive a referral in January!  And then we learned of the proposed Russian ban on US adoptions that occurred that very same day.

It's hard not to take it personally, but after this many years, this much effort and the same disappointment...you eventually take wind of the hints you had seen all along but refused to acknowledge.  You cuss and scream and cry and you take the fucking hint.  It's just really not in the cards for us...this whole parenthood dream.

It is especially hard to stomach when you have framed your entire identity around a dream.  I always saw myself as a mother.  Other pieces of my identity, of my optimistic spirit, have died as a result.  That sounds worst than it is - I'm not crawling in a whole and dying or anything.  Quite the opposite, really. 

Thanks to the mental conditioning of infertility, after learning of Russia's intent to ban adoptions to the US, I feel that I have come full circle in dealing with the phases of grief.  

It was a quick visit to the State of Denial - because I am simply too curious to not know what is going on.  I now exclusively follow only Russian government officials on Twitter.  I have even acquired Russian word recognition.  The Isolation Phase was easiest because I don't think I ever really stopped feeling isolated after that last miscarriage.  That phase was followed by Anger--one that I do well.  But coupled with some very difficult developments in my professional life...well...I just don't have much energy left to be angry at this too.  The Bargaining Phase was swift because I have nothing to bargain.  It's the Russian Federation for Christ's sake.  They damn sure don't care about what I think and to them I surely have nothing to offer, except maybe, a home for one of their orphans.  Up next, we all know that elephant in the room, who's name is Depression.  Quite like anger, I am good at being depressed.  But this time is different, I just don't have the energy anymore.  I don't have the energy to "not have energy"...does that make sense?  I'm flat tired of being consumed.  It's unproductive and it's burning daylight.  So that brings me to the destination of Acceptance.

I accept I have no control over the fate of this matter.  And as such, I have no other alternative but to move forward.  I will not lie, I still have hope.  The fat Russian lady hasn't sung yet and Putin hasn't put his name on anything.  Upper house convenes on Tuesday, December 26...with the time difference between Moscow and here (they are a day ahead)...I am still hopeful for a Christmas miracle.  I am hopeful, but I am also moving forward.

I have spent so much of my life cultivating a future for the identity I had for myself.  I have learned a lot and there is much to be grateful for.  But there is equally a part of me that is over the grief of that identity not coming true - but more so in losing all the other pieces of myself along the way.  We bought the big family house - the one that is hard to look at every day when I come home from the job that I hate.  Coincidentally, the well paying job that I told myself I liked because of the pay and benefits...the job that supported the motherhood identity...the responsible job with a great pension...well that too has run it's course.  I let it suck the life out of me.

So that is going to change.  I have plans for a better future.  I am not exactly sure what those plans are - because for the first time in my life - I am not going to define myself so quickly.  But what I do know is that I don't want to live a mediocre professional life anymore.  I want to do something fun and creative.  Something that challenges me on as much of a physical level as a mental one.  I want to do something that contributes to the greater good, I want to have control of the end product...and working for the Executive Branch under the Obama Administration doesn't even remotely fit that objective.

Luckily, I have the support of a great man.  My best friend.  The one who - for the longest time struggled with my desire to become a stay at home mom because he wasn't sure we could sustain our life on just his income - told me the other day that if I wanted to quit my job right then and there he wouldn't just support it - but rather he would encourage it!  When everything in life is uncertain, he is my only constant.  I am so grateful.

My focus was to become a mother to a Russian orphan.  If they still let me, I will do it - but Mike has taken the reigns on the adoption and I am disengaging from the process.  Instead, I am looking forward to this next and new phase of my life.  It's all about becoming happy instead of planning for happiness.

I am looking forward to 2013 being the year of transformation.  I want to take better care of myself - physically and emotionally.  I want to do the things I have been putting off.  Like a trip back to IU.  And seeing a stop on the reunion tour of Fleetwood Mac, and visiting my Dad's new condo at the Lake of the Ozarks.  Going to Vermont and Boston, and back to the Tetons.  And most importantly, I am looking forward to rediscovering myself.  I know that sounds cheesy, but I honestly feel that way.  I can't wait to find niche, my place in the world.  Knowing I have the ability to change my life, to rewrite my story, I tell you - I wake up a happier person everyday just because of that.  And I wonder...why didn't I do this sooner? 

Not matter what happens in Russia, it's going to be a great year for us.  I can just feel it.

...and she slinks back into the room...

Partly wondering if anyone will notice...

Hoping no one will...

But secretly wanting a smidge of an acknowledgment.

Then she waves frantically because the geek in her cannot be subdued.

I'mmmmmm baaaaaaack.

I've been thinking about this for a while now, because life has thrown us a bunch of curve balls lately and I need to get them out of my mind.  So instead of a blog post, I sent out a mass email to family and friends right before Thanksgiving with a giant update.  I virtually poured my heart out.

I must have sent it to 25 "close" people.  Hm...perhaps I'm once again wrong on who feels "close" with me because I literally got 4 replies.

But for every flip that flops, there a star that shines.

First, about a week before I sent that email, I got a random blog comment here (Hi Sandra!!).  She asked me if I was still alive.  With that comment, I thought about blogging again, even started a few posts.  But so much had happened since my last post...I was so behind, I got overwhelmed and canned the idea.

Then I sent the email and no one responded.  I figured no one in my personal life really wanted to know what was up with me, why would the interweb world be any different?

And then today...after a long, difficult week at work (that ain't even over yet)...I was relaxing on the couch.  I heard the familiar "ping" on my iPhone that signified a new email.  Being in the paperwork process of the adoption, I am keenly in tuned to that particular sound.  So of course I stopped everything I was doing...okay I wasn't doing jack crap but biting my nails and watching the news.

I opened my email...

And then I saw the subject line...

"greyhounds AND ovaries?"

What happened next was like a giant burst of sunshine in my life!  Especially nice being that the sun goes down so fast these days.

Turns out a fellow greyhound enthusiast happened to google "greyhound stirrup cup" - looking for an 18th century antique hunting cup to buy (I'm so googling that when I finish this post).

At any rate, this googler ((Helllllllo to my new friend Julie!!!!!)), found an entry I had posted that mentioned my greyhound and then talked about a recent fertility escapade in stirrups.  LOL.

Nothing says, "Hi wanna be my friend" like telling a story about ones ovaries and adventures with dildo cams.

Ohhmahgerd!  Life can be so sweet sometimes.

Julie - I hope you are reading this.  I cannot express just how touching your email was.  I'm sporting a perma-grin for reals.  I will respond to your email once I can sit still!  Good thing I have a hula hooping class this evening because I've got some excited jitters to shake out after your email!  You were the email impetus that I needed to get back on this wagon!  thankyouthankyouthankyou

For all the rest of ya'lls...here's a copy paste of that email barely any of my friends/family cared to respond to.  It might be a bit redundant but it's a good recap.  I'll check ya later!! 
_____________________________________________________________________

So, we let me take you back a few months to the Home Study. For those that aren't familiar with the adoption process, the home study is a pre-requisite to being approved for adoption, and it is more than just having someone come to our house and take a look around. The best way to describe it is - it's an audit of your whole life. We contracted with a social worker from the Tacoma area (approximately 5 hours from Walla Walla) to complete our home study. He came out, interviewed us and gave our house a once-over. The rest of the home study process involved us substantiating everything we told him. Sending copies of birth and marriage certificates, letters from our employer, tax returns, copies of our mortgage, insurance, bank and IRA statements and individual medical exam reports.

Then we went down to the county jail and got our fingerprints which were required for the FBI background check. This was the longest part of the process - it took the fed about 12 weeks to confirm we aren't felons. While we were waiting on that, we had to request background clearance from every state we resided in since being 18 years old to ensure we had never been convicted of child abuse. So that involved touching base with the states of Indiana and Washington for me, and Utah, Indiana, Massachusetts, Rhode Island and Washington for Mike. Naturally, every state had their own form, process and wait time. Other adoptive families call this point in time the "Paperwork Pregnancy". Ironically, I did gain a few pounds...

While we were waiting for everything to come thru, Mike and I had this bad lingering feeling about our social worker. We just couldn't put our finger on it at the moment. But in April he produced the 20+ page home study document which our agency approved, so I figured it was just "me" not meshing with his style of doing business.

Nevertheless, I made a special one-day, 500-mile round trip from Walla Walla to the state capitol and back to get this document apostilled by the Secretary of State. An apostille is basically a certification by the State that the notary is truly a recognized notary. Apostilles are required for all documents that are going to foreign governments. After being apostilled, I sent everything to our adoption agency in Florida. They sent our documents (called our preliminary dossier) to Russia. It took 2 weeks to make that journey, and another 2 weeks to be translated into Russian. Those documents were then registered in the Primrosky Region of Russia - since we will be adopting from the city of Vladivostok.

According to our case worker, everything was in order because the Region didn't ask for corrections or revisions. We were then told in June that we were officially "registered" meaning that we were "awaiting a referral". Just waiting for "the call". We had been told that it would probably take about 3 months to receive a referral for a child meeting our criteria (a boy, under the age of 18 months with minor correctable special needs).

So Mike and I had a nice easy summer, and avoided taking any major trips or travel. I worked long hours, saved as much money as possible and decorated the nursery....and of course surfed the web. One fateful day in July, I happened upon the blog of another family adopting from Russia. She posted the recent Russian Blacklist. The listing contained the names of agencies that have been blacklisted from further processing adoptions in Russia - due primarily to missing post-placement reports. Russian law requires several reports of the child's welfare after adoption placement (at 6 months, 12 months, 24 months and 36 months). So if your agency fails to submit them, they are temporarily blacklisted from completing any more adoptions.

I bet you can see where I am going with this.

Well, I opened the link on the blog post--and that familiar wrenching feeling I had about our social worker reappeared in my gut. My eyes could hardly believe it when I saw his agency's name listed on the blacklist. To make a much, much longer story short - our adoption agency didn't think it was going to be much of an issue because 1) we had already been registered in our Region and 2) because he was blacklisted in a different Region. Our case worker did, however, get in touch with our social worker and they began to "work thru it" whatever that means.

July passed, then August. So when September arrived (our 3rd month) I figured it...could...be...any....day...now. I carried my phone with me everywhere. I was refreshing my email each hour. By mid-September, we wondered what the heck was going on. Our case worker reminded us that Russians usually take an entire month's vacation in August...so surely that was what was slowing down our referral.

Then later in September, Russia decided to change their requirements for pre-adoptive training, increasing the amount of face-to-face time required. This wasn't entirely unexpected because things always change with Russia. It was also due in part to recent unfortunate events involving the abuse/death of an adopted Russian child and the minimal criminal penalty imposed upon the parents in the US. It also had a little to do with implementation of the recent bilateral agreement between the US and Russia.

So our adoption agency set up a 2-day workshop in Chicago in October that would meet this new requirement. Although it was yet another thing to do, we felt blessed because it gave us an opportunity to see friends and family and reduced travel costs because we didn't have to get a hotel or rent a car! Thank you, Dad!

We left Walla Walla very hopeful to finally meet our case worker and make a connection with other families in the process. And we were hoping that we'd get a better feel for when we could expect "the call". At the end of the conference, almost nonchalantly, our case worker tells us that - no, in fact, we are no longer "awaiting a referral". Apparently, Russia wants our home study agency off the blacklist before we can receive a referral.

Talk about being blindsided. I felt like someone punched me in the face and sucked all the hope out of my heart.

Rage! Fury! Obscenities! To say it was a long trip home...was an understatement. But we just happen to function pretty well under extreme pressure...and it doesn't hurt that I'm kind of an administrative genius, if I do say so myself. : ) Because the very next day, I had found a new agency (one that wasn't blacklisted) and convinced her to re-do our entire home study using the majority of the information from the first home study.

She agreed and since US Customs & Immigration already approved our orphan visa application, which required a separate background check on both of us, she was able to use that instead of redoing the FBI part! However, we did have to resubmit for updated clearances from each of the states we lived in. But since I had copies of the previous approvals--a few phone calls, emails and faxes dripping with sugar and honey--I had managed to get all of them updated within about a week! We even orchestrated having our new social worker travel all the way from Bainbridge Island to see us face-to-face and view our home. FYI: Bainbridge Island is not far from where we were married on Whidbey Island...funny how things work out, isn't it?

Well, she visited us on November 5th and 6th - and as of November 21, she had that entire home study document signed and notarized. If the stars are aligned this week, the Secretary of State should be affixing the apostilles and plopping them in the mail to our adoption agency in Florida and be shipped to Mother Russia and translated. Hopefully they will be accepted without correction and we will...once...again...be registered and awaiting a referral...before the New Year.

WHEW.

Did you catch all that? : )

So that's where we currently are. We have just come out the other end of these recent great big huge frustrating setbacks. Some days it's exhausting just thinking of what we have gone through and all that is still laid out before us. While part of me thinks it's good "training" for things to come, the other part of me thinks how unfair it all is. I try not to dwell on it, though, because after 4+ years of infertility I have learned that being bummed about things I cannot change is really taxing, draining and unproductive. Not to mention messy, ugly and quite a drag.

Don't let me fool you. I still have my days. I'm just getting better at managing them and spreading them out. It helps that I still hear Suzanne's voice telling me to keep my eye on the prize...

I made Apartment Therapy!!!

Shameless self promotion...

http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/a-nursery-waiting-in-walla-walla-my-room-175089

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See You When I See You

See You When I See You

by Jason Aldean

Lets don't say goodbye

I hate the way it sounds

So if you don't mind

Lets just say for now

See you when I see you

Another place another time

If I ever get down your way

Or your ever up around mine

We'll laugh about the old days

And catch up on the new

Yeah I'll see you when I see you

And I hope it's some day soon

God made this old world round

And maybe it's that way

So the paths that we go down

Yeah will cross again someday

And someday I'll

See you when I see you

Another place some other time

If I ever get down your way

Or you ever up around mine

We'll laugh about the old days

And catch up on the new

Yeah I'll see you when I see you

And I hope it's some day real soon

I hope it's some day soon

See you when I see you

Another place some other time

If I ever get down to your way

Or you ever up around mine just stop by

We'll laugh about the old days

And catch up the new

Yeah I'll see you when I see you

Till then my prayers are with you

And I hope it's some day soon

I'll see you when I see you